There is a particular kind of woman who sends the drink back because it isn’t cold enough, knows exactly which restaurant she wants for dinner and has absolutely no interest in pretending she doesn’t have an opinion. We have spent years calling women like this difficult. But what if she isn’t difficult? What if she just knows what she likes?
Picture her. It’s Friday night, she’s running late because she changed her outfit twice, and she’s meeting her friends for a drink before dinner. She knows the restaurant she wants, the table she wants and, yes, she has already decided what she’s ordering. She isn’t trying to control the evening. She just doesn’t see the point in pretending she has no preferences when she very clearly does.
Somewhere along the way, being easygoing became a personality trait women were expected to perfect. Don’t be demanding. Don’t ask too many questions. Don’t seem too interested. Don’t care if he takes three days to reply. Be the cool girl. Be spontaneous. Be low-maintenance. And above all, don’t make him feel like being with you requires any actual effort.
But I’ve been thinking: what if being a little bit of a brat isn’t such a bad thing?
Not the kind of brat who treats people badly or expects the world to revolve around her. I’m talking about the woman who has preferences. She knows where she wants to eat, what she wants to wear, how she likes her coffee and what kind of relationship she wants. She isn’t afraid to say, “Actually, I don’t like that,” simply because someone might think she’s being difficult.
And perhaps there is something quite refreshing about that.
The Death of the Low-Maintenance Woman
For years, women have been sold the idea that the most desirable woman is the one who asks for the least.
She’ll happily eat wherever he wants. She doesn’t mind if he changes the plans at the last minute. She’s totally fine with casual dates and last-minute texts. She doesn’t need flowers because, honestly, it’s the thought that counts. She certainly won’t mention that she expected him to organise the date because she doesn’t want to seem demanding.
Of course, being considerate is a good thing. Nobody wants to date someone who turns every dinner reservation into a constitutional crisis. But there is a difference between being considerate and constantly making yourself smaller so someone else can remain comfortable.
Somewhere between being the “cool girl” and trying not to seem high-maintenance, women learned to apologise for having preferences at all.
We became experts at saying, “I don’t mind,” when we absolutely did.
And I think we’ve had enough of that.
So, What Actually Makes Someone a Brat?
Being a brat isn’t about being selfish. It’s about being honest about what you want.
Maybe you want him to pick the restaurant instead of asking you what you want to do every single time. Maybe you want flowers because you like flowers. Maybe you don’t want to spend Friday night watching his favourite football team because you’d rather be at a bar with your friends wearing the new dress you bought last week.
Maybe you want the window seat.
Maybe you want dessert.
Maybe you want him to actually plan the date.
None of these things are outrageous demands. They’re preferences. And having preferences is part of having a personality.
The problem begins when we confuse knowing what you want with believing you’re entitled to whatever you want.
There is a difference.
A brat can say, “I don’t like this restaurant. Can we go somewhere else?” An inconsiderate person says, “This restaurant is beneath me.” A brat can want flowers. She doesn’t get to punish someone for not reading her mind. A brat can have standards. She doesn’t get to treat people badly because she thinks she’s better than them.
The goal isn’t to become unbearable.
It’s to stop being afraid of being a little particular.
Why Are Men Allowed to Be So Particular?
Think about how easily we accept men having preferences.
He doesn’t like the restaurant? Fair enough.
He only drinks a certain type of beer? That’s just his taste.
He spends an absurd amount of money on trainers? Good for him.
He wants to watch his team play every Saturday? That’s his thing.
But when a woman says she has a particular restaurant she loves, suddenly she’s “high-maintenance”. When she cares about how she dresses, she’s trying too hard. When she expects a man to make an effort, she’s asking for too much.
There is something interesting about the way we frame male preferences as personality and female preferences as demands.
A man who knows exactly what he wants is decisive. A woman who knows exactly what she wants can be difficult.
Of course, women can be unreasonable too. But I do think we’re sometimes much quicker to label a woman difficult for having standards than we are to question why she has been made to feel guilty for having them.
There is something quite attractive about a woman who knows what she likes. Not because she expects everyone else to accommodate her every whim, but because she doesn’t need to perform indifference.
She can simply say, “This is what I want.”
And mean it.
The Pleasure of Being a Little Difficult
Maybe the best part of being a brat is that you get to enjoy your own preferences.
You can want the pretty table in the corner. You can take your time choosing what to wear. You can order the dessert even when everyone else says they’re too full. You can tell your boyfriend that, yes, you would actually prefer flowers over another bottle of wine.
You can care.
I think women are sometimes encouraged to pretend they don’t care because caring makes you vulnerable. If you admit you want the romantic date, you can be disappointed. If you admit you expect effort, someone might fail to give it to you. If you admit you like being spoiled, someone might call you materialistic.
But what is the point of dating if we’re constantly trying to make ourselves impossible to disappoint?
There is a certain freedom in saying, This is what I like. This is what makes me happy. This is what I want from a relationship.
The right person doesn’t have to fulfil every preference you have. But they shouldn’t make you feel ridiculous for having them.
And honestly, isn’t part of the fun of being a woman having a few ridiculous preferences?
The perfect table. The overpriced cocktail. The dress you definitely didn’t need but couldn’t stop thinking about. The restaurant you’ve been wanting to try for three months.
Not everything has to be practical to be worth wanting.
You Don’t Have to Be the Easiest Woman to Love
Maybe the real problem isn’t that women are too demanding.
Maybe we’ve simply become very good at demanding less.
We are taught to be grateful for the bare minimum because asking for more might scare someone away. But if asking for effort scares someone away, perhaps the issue isn’t that you asked for too much. Perhaps you just asked the wrong person.
And I’m not suggesting you turn every relationship into a list of requirements. Relationships require compromise. Sometimes you eat at his favourite restaurant. Sometimes he watches your show. Sometimes you choose the film and sometimes he does.
Being a brat doesn’t mean refusing to compromise.
It means knowing the difference between compromise and self-abandonment.
Because there is nothing particularly romantic about constantly swallowing your preferences just to keep someone around.
Maybe “Too Much” Isn’t the Problem
I’ve started to think that being a little bit of a brat can actually be a form of self-respect.
Not because you should expect the world to bend around you, but because you should be allowed to have desires without immediately questioning whether they’re reasonable enough to say out loud.
Want the flowers.
Order the dessert.
Wear the ridiculous shoes.
Tell him where you’d actually like to go for dinner.
Have standards. Have opinions. Change your mind. Be particular about the things that matter to you and flexible about the things that don’t.
And maybe the next time someone calls you “too much”, don’t immediately wonder how you could become less.
Maybe ask yourself whether you were actually asking for too much, or whether you were simply asking someone who had become very comfortable giving you too little.
Because perhaps being a little difficult isn’t the worst thing a woman can be.
Perhaps the real luxury is being completely comfortable saying what you want, knowing that the right person won’t make you feel guilty for wanting it.
And if that makes you a brat?
Well, darling, there are worse things to be.
Love!!!
i. loved. this!!!!! just because we know what we want and aren't afraid to correct when something isn't how we wanted it doesn't make us too demanding, or bratty - we're being direct. no point in pretending or acting like our food came the way we wanted it, when it's very clear the steak is undercooked, or the martini came wrong. being direct shouldn't be embarrassing or make us feel like we're a bother. i just know what i want - such a fun read!